Feeling Suffocated? Try This Tip

In this post, you’ll learn:

A common predicament many stepmoms find themselves in
The question I recommend asking yourself if you’re in this same spot
Why your answer(s) to this question are so helpful
What to do next based on what you uncover

A STEPMOM ON TIKTOK ASKED:

“I miss my stepkids when we don’t have them, but I feel suffocated when we’re all back together. Help!”

Can you relate? Ever find yourself missing the kids when they're not with you, and then feeling kind of suffocated when suddenly the whole house is full? If so, you're in really good company. I've seen lots of versions of this comment come through on TikTok and Instagram, and they're often accompanied by expressions of guilt.

So, if you find yourself getting caught in this bind and you feel low-key (or not so low-key) guilt about it, I've got a strategy to help.

Ask yourself this question:

Would I be feeling some version of this if we were a ‘first family’?

Reflecting on that question is going to help you uncover two things.

THE SHARED EXPERIENCE

First, it's going to help you pull out the pieces of this experience that really are shared with moms in first families. In this case, we have lots of examples we could draw from. Maybe it's the mom who is white knuckling her way through a particularly chaotic evening routine with the kids, counting down the minutes until bedtime… only to then spend her free evening scrolling through her camera roll, gazing lovingly at pictures of her kids and missing them now that they're asleep.

Or the mom who couldn't wait for her kids to start school break so they can make all kinds of fun memories together… only to find herself also kind of overstimulated by their presence around her all the time. Not only is it normal to have both of these emotional experiences, it's also a much more common experience than you might realize. It's truly a mom experience or, more broadly, a parenting experience.

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THE UNIQUE EXPERIENCE

The second reason you want to reflect on this question is that it'll help you identify the parts of your current struggle that truly are unique to the stepmom experience. In this case, there are plenty of potential differences:

A stepmom's love is its own kind of love. That relationship is cultivated and earned over time rather than assumed or granted before the child is even born, as it is in first families.
There's also the transition between households, which can be quite abrupt and cause lots of related ripples of emotional and behavioral changes within the house every time it occurred. Of course, that's going to have an impact on how it feels for you, no matter how much you missed them when they were away.
There’s also the glaring disparity in levels of support for a stepmom versus a mom experiencing this kind of challenge. Whereas there is increasing public support and encouragement for moms to “keep it real” and vent about these very normal frustrations they feel, when a stepmom shares that same frustration it just tends to be received differently. It tends to be met with judgment and a lot of criticism. (For that reason, she might find it safer and a lot more productive to turn to a community of other stepmoms who can relate.)

Putting it all together

So, taken together, by asking the question, Would I be experiencing this in a first family?, you can more effectively assess what exactly you're dealing with.

In the case of the question this stepmom shared, it's pretty clear she’s experiencing some universal parenting challenges with additional stepfamily stressors layered on top and with significantly less external support around her to help navigate it.

In short: It feels like a lot because it is a lot.

Looking for some support as you navigate stepmom life? I'm here for you.

The life of a stepmom can be complex, baffling, and straight-up triggering. But, while the demands are real, so are the potential rewards. With the right guidance and support, I believe any stepmom can flourish in this role. Here are two ways I can help:

1) ONLINE STEPMOM COMMUNITY

If you’re craving a safe, supportive space to connect (off of social media) with other women who get it, consider joining The Kick-Ass Stepmom Community.

2) PERSONALIZED STEPMOM COACHING

When worry becomes a permanent fixture in your daily life, it crowds out joy, fulfillment, and fun. If you're ready to get a handle on your stepmom stress so you can create meaningful change for yourself and your family, you've come to the right place! Learn more about my 1:1 coaching program for stepmoms .