Feeling Suffocated? Try This Tip
In this post, you’ll learn:
A common predicament many stepmoms find themselves in
The question I recommend asking yourself if you’re in this same spot
Why your answer(s) to this question are so helpful
What to do next based on what you uncover
A STEPMOM ON TIKTOK ASKED:
“I miss my stepkids when we don’t have them, but I feel suffocated when we’re all back together. Help!”
Can you relate? Ever find yourself missing the kids when they're not with you, and then feeling kind of suffocated when suddenly the whole house is full? If so, you're in really good company. I've seen lots of versions of this comment come through on TikTok and Instagram, and they're often accompanied by expressions of guilt.
So, if you find yourself getting caught in this bind and you feel low-key (or not so low-key) guilt about it, I've got a strategy to help.
Ask yourself this question:
Would I be feeling some version of this if we were a ‘first family’?
Reflecting on that question is going to help you uncover two things.
THE SHARED EXPERIENCE
First, it's going to help you pull out the pieces of this experience that really are shared with moms in first families. In this case, we have lots of examples we could draw from. Maybe it's the mom who is white knuckling her way through a particularly chaotic evening routine with the kids, counting down the minutes until bedtime… only to then spend her free evening scrolling through her camera roll, gazing lovingly at pictures of her kids and missing them now that they're asleep.
Or the mom who couldn't wait for her kids to start school break so they can make all kinds of fun memories together… only to find herself also kind of overstimulated by their presence around her all the time. Not only is it normal to have both of these emotional experiences, it's also a much more common experience than you might realize. It's truly a mom experience or, more broadly, a parenting experience.
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THE UNIQUE EXPERIENCE
The second reason you want to reflect on this question is that it'll help you identify the parts of your current struggle that truly are unique to the stepmom experience. In this case, there are plenty of potential differences:
A stepmom's love is its own kind of love. That relationship is cultivated and earned over time rather than assumed or granted before the child is even born, as it is in first families.
There's also the transition between households, which can be quite abrupt and cause lots of related ripples of emotional and behavioral changes within the house every time it occurred. Of course, that's going to have an impact on how it feels for you, no matter how much you missed them when they were away.
There’s also the glaring disparity in levels of support for a stepmom versus a mom experiencing this kind of challenge. Whereas there is increasing public support and encouragement for moms to “keep it real” and vent about these very normal frustrations they feel, when a stepmom shares that same frustration it just tends to be received differently. It tends to be met with judgment and a lot of criticism. (For that reason, she might find it safer and a lot more productive to turn to a community of other stepmoms who can relate.)
Putting it all together
So, taken together, by asking the question, Would I be experiencing this in a first family?, you can more effectively assess what exactly you're dealing with.
In the case of the question this stepmom shared, it's pretty clear she’s experiencing some universal parenting challenges with additional stepfamily stressors layered on top and with significantly less external support around her to help navigate it.
In short: It feels like a lot because it is a lot.
New here? Hi! 👋 I'm Michaela Bucchianeri, PhD — psychologist + stepmom of 13 years
…and I can’t wait to help you live a stepmom life you love.
Becoming a stepmom rocked my world in just about every way. And while this role brings so much potential for joy and fulfillment… the path to getting there isn't always intuitive.
Now? I'm on a mission to help you create a stepmom identity that's all your own– so you can worry less, shift your energy to whatever lights you up, and start having (way) more fun.
A FEW PLACES TO START:
💌 Subscribe to The Stepmom Sleepover. Join our week(end)ly, virtual slumber party where you’ll find candid stories, game-changing stepmom skills, and a roundup of goodies— from relevant research to book recs to stepfamily-tested scripts + more! Stepmom life’s a whole lot easier when you’re not doing it alone.
📺 Check out our YouTube channel. This is where you’ll find all the trending topics, real-time conversations, and video library of resources for stepmoms, all in one place! New videos every week.
💬 Come say Hello! Slide into my DMs and let’s chat about stepmom life!
To get in touch with me directly, send me a DM or email hello@theanxiousstepmom.com.
I’m so glad you’re here!