Love the Teen You Have: A Conversation with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart
Parenting teens is rarely straightforward—and stepparenting teens adds an entirely new layer of complexity. From eye-rolls at the dinner table to feeling like an outsider in your own home, it’s easy to feel disconnected, frustrated, or unsure of how to show up in a way that really matters.
That’s why I’m so excited to chat with my friend, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and author of the brand-new book Love the Teen You Have.
Ann-Louise has spent over twenty years helping families navigate the ups and downs of adolescence, and she’s here to share insights, strategies, and real-life tools to help parents—and stepparents!—connect with teens… even when it feels tricky.
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Ann-Louise, thank you so much for joining us today!
Thank you! I’m so happy to be here.
The heart behind the book
Your book is called Love the Teen You Have, which I think will speak to just about every parent and stepparent. What inspired you to write it, and what does that title mean to you?
Because I spent years feeling disconnected from my mom in my teen years, and 20 years helping families as a pediatric psychologist and parent coach, I wanted teens and parents to have a different experience.
I wrote Love the Teen You Have because I kept hearing from parents who felt frustrated, disconnected, or even rejected by their teens and from teens who felt misunderstood and unseen.
The title is a reminder that our job isn’t to mold our teens into who we wish they were, but to see, value, and love who they are, right now. Love doesn’t mean agreement or control; it means connection, even in the mess.
You describe adolescence as a time of transformation—not just for teens, but for parents, too. What are some common misconceptions you see about this stage?
A big one is that teens are supposed to be difficult or rebellious. In reality, they’re just becoming more independent, curious, and emotionally aware and that can look like defiance.
Another misconception is that parents are supposed to “fix” that behavior instead of adjusting to it. This stage invites us to grow too, by becoming calmer, more flexible, and better listeners.
So many parents describe feeling like they “lost” their sweet kid somewhere along the way. What do you say to parents (or stepparents) who miss who their teen used to be?
It’s okay to grieve that. You didn’t lose your child, you’re just meeting a new version of them. They’re still in there, just changing shape.
When you make room for who they’re becoming, you’ll start to see glimpses of the sweetness return in new and unexpected ways. They need to know you accept (or at least notice without judgment) all versions of them. They are trying to find who they are, too.
Connection over control
A central theme in your book is connection, especially when conflict or tension feels constant. What are some ways parents can begin to rebuild connection, even when it feels like there’s too much distance or resentment?
Start small and consistent. Send a text that says, “Thinking of you,” or leave a snack on their desk without saying anything else. Drop the lectures and focus on listening.
Teens (and bonus teens especially) need to feel emotionally safe before they’ll re-engage or engage at all. They need to know they are accepted by you, regardless of how they show up. Connection doesn’t start with deep talks; it begins with steady presence.
You talk about “discipline with love.” Can you unpack what that means? What might it look like in practice for stepparents adopting the “connection before correction” approach recommended by stepfamily experts?
“Discipline with love” means guiding instead of punishing. It’s not about control; it’s about teaching. For stepparents, that might look like stepping back from enforcing rules early on and focusing first on the relationship. Let trust lead correction.
Once safety and respect are built, guidance actually sticks. Focus on the relationship before trying to enforce the rules.
This might look like: (1) Taking time to calmly understand what’s behind a teen’s behavior before reacting (maybe it's stress, insecurity, or a need for attention) and (2) Using reasoning and natural consequences rather than threats or harsh punishments, helping teens learn cause and effect through partnership, not power struggles.
About half the stepmoms in my audience are also moms themselves, often navigating different norms and expectations of their kids and their partner's kids. What advice would you offer stepcouples blending differing approaches to parenting?
You don’t have to parent the same way to be on the same team. In fact, having that balance and differing in your approach as partners can be good for your kids.
Talk openly about what values matter most. Is it respect, kindness, accountability, or honesty? Let those guide your approach. You can agree on principles even if your methods differ. And remember, alignment comes from communication, not control.
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The stepfamily lens
Many stepmoms of teens describe feeling like they’re walking on eggshells—they care deeply and are expected to be nurturing but also feel like an outsider. What advice would you offer to stepparents trying to build genuine connection without forcing closeness?
Lead with curiosity and don't force closeness. Ask about their interests, their favorite shows or music, or just how their day went. Then give space for the answer.
Don’t chase connection; create moments for it to grow naturally. Sometimes, the best gift is showing up consistently without needing a certain response. They'll appreciate you more for giving them breathing room and not being a try-hard.
Sometimes a teen’s pushback can feel really personal when a stepmom is putting in effort but experiencing coldness or rejection. What’s a helpful reframe or reminder in those moments?
Their reaction says more about their adjustment than your worth. Rejection is often protection. They’re guarding their heart, not attacking yours.
When you can see resistance as grief or fear instead of disrespect, it’s easier to respond with compassion instead of hurt.
It's important not to take their behavior personally. Although it feels like it's about you, it's more about them and their emotions that are impacting their behavior and attitude.
Are there small, everyday rituals or gestures that can help a stepparent show they care—even if their teen doesn’t seem receptive right now?
Absolutely. A quick “good morning,” a ride to practice with no questions asked, a favorite snack left on the counter, an "I thought about you and got this for you" gift all count.
It’s not about grand gestures; it’s about predictability. Teens notice consistency more than effort, even if they don’t show it. They really do appreciate that you thought of them in those small moments in your day.
Skills, scripts & real-life tools
One thing I love about your thought leadership is that it’s full of practical examples and scripts. Could you share one that parents or stepparents might try during a tense moment—something to help de-escalate and reconnect?
Absolutely! Try this:
“I can see you’re upset, and I don’t want to make it worse. Let’s take a break and talk when we’re both calmer.”
That simple statement models emotional regulation, shows empathy, and keeps the door open for repair later. It doesn't force them to talk about their feelings. Instead, it gives them room to process it. It also shows them you're not afraid of those big emotions. It shows them you unconditionally accept them where they are.
You also talk about executive functioning and emotional regulation—skills many teens are still developing! How can parents model or support those skills, especially in a high-conflict home?
By naming their own process out loud:
“I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths before I respond.”
When adults model self-regulation, teens learn that emotions aren’t scary; they’re manageable.
For stepmoms navigating ADHD, anxiety, or other mental health challenges in their teens, what’s one thing you wish more parents understood?
I wish more parents understood that behavior is communication. That messy room, that eye roll, that meltdown—it’s not manipulation; it’s a signal.
When you respond to the need beneath the behavior instead of the behavior itself, you become a safe place, not another source of shame. Teens get enough of that. In fact, they're saying it to themselves a lot.
So, you need to be a corrective emotional experience for them in your life. That means you respond differently from the other adults they encounter. You don't respond in ways they expect.
For example, they bring home a failed grade on a test. Instead of lecturing them, you can get curious. Ask them how they feel about the grade, what tripped them up, or even how you struggled with that subject.
Reflection and hope
You mention the importance of “reparenting yourself” as you parent your teen. Why is this so crucial? And what might that look like for a stepparent?
This is such a great question. This is important because we all bring our own stories into parenting. Reparenting means healing the parts of you that didn’t feel seen, heard, safe, or recognized, so you don’t pass that hurt forward.
For stepparents, it might mean acknowledging your need to belong while giving your stepteen the same space to find their footing. You and your teen might both have mixed feelings about this new family dynamic and are trying to make sense of it. You need time on both sides of the coin.
A likely scenario is that you both have internal narratives swarming around in your minds about what it means to be a stepmom, what it means for your teen to have another mom, fear of failing in that role, and wanting to be accepted. All of those thoughts and feelings definitely bring up old stories that can show up in everyday interactions. That is the foundation of reparenting and is especially important for stepparents.
What do you hope readers walk away with after finishing Love the Teen You Have?
There’s always a way back to connection. You can repair even after yelling, slamming doors, or long silences. You don’t need to be a perfect stepparent, just a consistent, compassionate one.
Finally, if you could leave every parent and stepparent with one simple reminder the next time their teen slams a door or shuts them out, what would it be?
Don’t take the slammed door or insult as the final word. It’s just a punctuation in a hard moment. Stay calm, stay kind, don't take it personally, and trust that connection grows in the quiet that comes after.
Forgiveness and compassion are also your friends in this process. Your teen needs to know you will keep showing up even when they don't appear to want you around.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, speaker, and author of Love the Teen You Have. Having spent years feeling disconnected from her own mom during her teen years, she didn’t want parents and teens to experience the same. So, she wrote a book to help parents feel more connected with their teens. Dr. Ann-Louise has been featured in The New York Times, Parents, HuffPost, and on The Today Show. Her dynamic, relatable style has made her a trusted voice for parents and caregivers nationwide.
New here? Hi! 👋 I'm Michaela Bucchianeri, PhD — psychologist + stepmom of 13 years
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