Blending Families? 12 Topics to Discuss First
When I was a kid, my friend and I used to play a game called “Mystery Drink”. We'd take turns throwing things in a blender and creating our own disgustingly unique concoction for the other to drink.
Honestly, creating a stepfamily can feel a lot like that. And if you're one of the many couples attempting to blend two sets of kids from prior relationships, you're working with a whole lot of additional mystery drink ingredients. There's an additional layer of complexity that you really do need to anticipate and talk through ahead of time to help make your “blend” as smooth as possible.
Read on for 12 important topics to discuss as a couple before blending families:
Essential topics to consider before joining families
As always, you know your families best. But, in general, these are topics and questions that are both important and commonly overlooked by couples attempting to blend families. By taking the time to give each of these your careful consideration, you’ll be way ahead of the game as you embark on stepfamily life!
Topic #1: Parenting styles
How do each of you approach parenting your children? What's your stance on things like correcting behavior, discipline, consequences? What are your views on rules and boundaries?
It's important to have a sense of your parenting styles— where they align, as well as the places they might differ, ahead of time to help ensure as much consistency as possible when you do bring your families together.
That's not to say that one of you has to force the other to your way of thinking. (In fact, I don't recommend you try!) But, many couples consider this topic “common sense” (“of course my partner and I will agree on parenting issues…”) or they assume it's something that will just kind of naturally come together once you're all physically together.
That's often not the case. So, take the time to think through your own approach to parenting your kids. And then, as clearly as you can, communicate that to your partner and vice versa.
Topic #2: Relationships with ex-partners
What is the nature of your co-parenting relationships with your exes? How will you each handle communication between households?
Will you implement set hours during which you’ll take communications from your co-parent? Will you communicate via phone, text, email? Or are you using a third-party tool (e.g., Our Family Wizard)?
It's not uncommon for members of a stepcouple to have very different co-parenting relationships with their ex-partners. The key is honestly assessing your piece of the situation and communicating it as clearly as possible to your partner so everyone can manage their expectations accordingly.
Topic #3: Children’s feelings
How do each set of kids feel about the prospect of blending families? It's essential to involve them in discussions, but this isn’t a one-and-done conversation.
If you can, start seeding that conversation early and then revisiting it over time. Give yourselves, as parents, ample time to check in with each set of kids. And allow the kids enough time to absorb the impact of imagining life as a stepfamily. It might take longer than you’d like, but the extra time is worth it.
Topic #4: Household dynamics
What will the living arrangements be? Is everyone going to be living together? On what schedule? Sometimes when families come together and form a step family, it involves a change on either end with the co-parenting schedule. But, not always.
How will you manage expectations in your household? Possible approaches range from totally separate (i.e., different rules for each sets of kids, each parent manages their own) to fully integrated (i.e., everyone lives by the same rules).
I recommend having an initial discussion about this, then taking some time to reflect and research on your own before coming back together and talking about it some more.
RECOMMENDED RESOURCE
By the way, if you're looking for a solid resource to help you navigate each step of this process, I highly recommend The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a Blended Family by Karen Bonnell & Patricia Papernow.
Topic #5: Legal considerations
Have you considered arrangements like custody agreements, wills, and estate planning to make sure everyone in your family's interests are protected?
Are there specific questions or fears that come up? Certain topics that cause you to tense up or lose sleep over? Make sure you take the time to voice those out loud to your partner.
Even if there’s not an immediate solution, discussing your legal concerns can help bring you together and reduce some of the tension.
Topic #6: Financial planning
How will you handle finances? From expenses related to the kids, household bills, unexpected demands that come up, and proactive savings for the future, there’s a lot to consider.
How will you approach it all? Similar to legal concerns, transparency about your finances— where you're coming from, where you want to go, and how you plan to get there— will take you far as a couple.
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Topic #7: Cultural and religious differences
Do you have different backgrounds that you're going to be bringing into the relationship and into your new family? Any that might affect the lives of the kids in that household?
How will you integrate these aspects into your blended family life, if at all? Depending on the developmental phases of your kids, they might have different cultural and religious identities than you. How will you navigate this as a family?
Topic #8: Boundaries and privacy
How are you going to balance the individual privacy everyone is entitled to with family togetherness time? For example, will you set certain expectations around how much time everyone can spend in their corner of the house versus communal time?
Discussing topics like this can seem optional— especially when there are more pressing matters to consider. But, because boundaries touch so many other areas of stepfamily life, being able to open up that dialogue with your partner early on can be especially helpful.
Topic #9: Quality time
How will you ensure that each child receives the individual attention they need? What about your one-on-one time as a couple— how will you make this a priority in your schedule?
From kids’ activities to downtime day-to-day, there’s a lot to consider when it comes to building quality time into the culture of your blended family. I suggest setting aside time to discuss your hopes and ideas as a couple in advance. Them, when it makes sense, you can loop the kids in to get their perspectives, as well.
Topic #10: Conflict resolution
How are you planning to handle conflicts that will arise between family members? This includes conflict between the two of you. When disagreements come up (as they inevitably will!), how do you want to approach this?
While you're at it, you might also discuss how you’ll differentiate between conflicts that are best reserved for private uninterrupted time just between the two of you versus which discussions might be appropriate— or even helpful— to talk out in front of the kids.
Topic #11: Long-term goals
Where are your hopes for your blended family? Obviously, you can't force relationships, but you can do some dreaming and vision casting between the two of you.
Do you imagine your family going on trips together? Is that something that's important to you? Do you envision all the kids maintaining their own relationships with one another, independent of you, as they get older?
Whatever your specific hopes are, it can be helpful to name them out loud and then work backwards to start building a family culture that can support these goals over time.
Topic #12: Support network
Who are the people you can trust— individually and as a couple— to come alongside you and support you as you're navigating this next stage of life?
It can be daunting to bring together a stepfamily. Taking the time as a couple to anticipate the kinds of support you might need can help you build from a strong foundation. Consider: Are we open to seeking therapy or coaching to help ease challenges? What else might help us strengthen bonds as we come together as a blended family?
RECOMMENDED RESOURCE
Once again, if you're looking for a practical, evidence-based resource to help you navigate each step of this process, I can’t recommend The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a Blended Family by Karen Bonnell & Patricia Papernow!
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