Cheers to “The Third Option”
LISTEN TO PODCAST VERSION HERE:
Ever catch yourself thinking something like this:
🔲 “If I don’t handle this situation, no one will.”
🔲 “Once this court case is behind us, THEN we can focus on _______.”
It's that feeling of being caught in a situation where you have no choice.
(Sound familiar? 🙋♀️)
This is all-or-nothing thinking (also called black-and-white thinking), and it’s a well-documented cognitive distortion.
The Psychology Behind It
All-or-nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion (or thinking error): a habitual way our brain processes information that feels accurate but isn’t fully grounded in reality. It leads us to view situations in extremes—success vs. failure, good vs. bad, love vs. rejection—without recognizing the nuance in between.
This kind of thinking is common in people with perfectionistic tendencies, high sensitivity to rejection, or history of anxiety. It’s also more likely to surface in high-stakes situations where we feel uncertain or out of control… which is basically the definition of stepmom life.
And when we get caught up in this way of thinking, we face 2 primary risks:
1️⃣ Exhaust ourselves striving for perfection (and then feel like garbage when reality inevitably doesn’t match up)
2️⃣ Give up entirely because we can’t do it “right.”
Either way, we get stuck.
But here’s the truth: There’s always a third option. The in-between. The messy, imperfect, good enough path forward.
And the more we embrace it? The lighter, freer, and happier we can feel in this role.
So, that's what I want to share with you today:
🔎 Where the third option has been hiding in those proverbial "rock vs. hard place" moments of your stepmom life, and
🧠 How you can pursue the third option—not as some weak Plan Z, but as a genuinely viable choice.
And by the way: This very email is an example of a third option. I used to believe that if I didn’t have a fully produced podcast with an intro jingle and polished editing, I couldn’t share audio content. But here I am, hitting record and sending it your way because—
—done is better than perfect (...right?? 😅)
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How All-or-Nothing Thinking Might Manifest in Your Stepmom Role
🐣 For the new stepmom:
“If I don’t bond with the kids right away, I never will.”
“Am I joining their family culture? Or honoring my own?”
“I just can't relax when the kids are here."
🕢 For the full-time/primary caregiving stepmom:
“If I resent this role, it must mean I'm selfish.”
“I have to be ‘the responsible one’ 24/7, or this family will fall apart.”
“If my stepkids don’t respect me as a parent now, they never will.”
💞 For the stepmom who has a close relationship with the kids:
“If they ever push me away, it means I was never important to them.”
“If we have a conflict, I must have done something wrong.”
“If they’re struggling, I need to step in and fix it—or I’m failing them.”
😐 For the stepmom who doesn’t have a close relationship with the kids:
“If they’re not openly affectionate, they must dislike me.”
“If I’m not deeply connected to them, I have no place in this family.”
“How can I be warm towards them when I don't actually like them?”
💬 For the stepmom navigating a relationship with the kids’ mom:
“If we can't be friends, we're failing.”
“If my partner’s ex dislikes me, there’s no hope for a peaceful co-parenting dynamic.”
“Once she gets to know me, then she'll understand where I'm coming from.”
❌ For the stepmom who doesn’t interact with the kids’ mom:
“If we don’t communicate directly, I’ll never have any influence.”
“If my partner doesn't share every detail of what happens in the other home, I can’t be a real part of the kids’ lives.”
"I'll lose all privacy if I have any interaction with her."
This type of thinking is very easy to slip into. But, it makes challenges feel way bigger than they actually are. And worse? It obscures our ability to spot real opportunities for progress, which keeps us from trying new approaches.
But there’s a better way…
Choosing the Third Option
Instead of getting caught between two absolutes, what if you got comfortable with:
✔️ Taking small, imperfect steps toward the feeling you want to experience?
✔️ Embracing “good enough” solutions that still move us forward?
✔️ Allowing things to evolve over time instead of discounting any results that aren't instant?
Here’s how to start:
1) Notice the extreme thoughts
Catch yourself when you begin automatically assuming it's an either/or scenario.
2) Ask: What’s a 3rd option I might be missing?
What’s one small step you can take, even if it’s messy, imperfect, or incomplete?
So, going back to our first 2 examples, here's what exploring a 3rd Option could look like:
❌Instead of: “If I don’t handle this situation, no one will” ➡ ✅you might decide: "This situation does need to be handled, but I don't think I'm the one to do it."
❌Instead of: “Once this court case is behind us, THEN we can focus on ___” ➡ ✅you might consider: "What's 1 way we can have fun and stay connected while we're going through this stressful time?"
(And it's important to note: The goal of the 3rd Option is not to tie every stepfamily stressor up in a tidy bow. It's simply to identify a reasonable path forward for yourself, where you previously felt stuck.)
3) Reframe success
Instead of “Did I nail it?”, reset the bar (e.g., “Did I show up in a way I can feel good about, regardless of the outcome?")
With practice, this Notice-Ask-Reframe process will become habit, helping you unstick yourself more quickly, brainstorm creative options readily, and brace yourself for the possibility that not all your thoughtfully executed stepmom moves will be well-received on the first try...
Friend, stepmom life isn't black-and-white. It’s not pass/fail.
It’s a perpetual tango of trying, adjusting, learning, and giving yourself grace.
We're all out here together, learning the steps as we go.
Cheers to the 3rd option. And cheers to you!
New here? Hi! 👋 I'm Michaela Bucchianeri, PhD — psychologist + stepmom of 13 years
…and I can’t wait to help you live a stepmom life you love.
Becoming a stepmom rocked my world in just about every way. And while this role brings so much potential for joy and fulfillment… the path to getting there isn't always intuitive.
Now? I'm on a mission to help you create a stepmom identity that's all your own– so you can worry less, shift your energy to whatever lights you up, and start having (way) more fun.
A FEW PLACES TO START:
💌 Subscribe to The Stepmom Sleepover. Join our week(end)ly, virtual slumber party where you’ll find candid stories, game-changing stepmom skills, and a roundup of goodies— from relevant research to book recs to stepfamily-tested scripts + more! Stepmom life’s a whole lot easier when you’re not doing it alone.
📺 Check out our YouTube channel. This is where you’ll find all the trending topics, real-time conversations, and video library of resources for stepmoms, all in one place! New videos every week.
💬 Come say Hello! Slide into my DMs and let’s chat about stepmom life!
To get in touch with me directly, send me a DM or email hello@theanxiousstepmom.com.
I’m so glad you’re here!